We haven't done any projects this weekend. I have no motivation to do anything but spend time loving on my little family.
For two nights in a row I have laid with my babies in their warm beds, have watched the rise and fall of their breath and have held their little hands while my tears silently fell into their pillow cases.
I am heart broken.
I have no words.
I haven't even allowed myself to watch or hear one bit of the the media coverage of the shootings that have left the world heartbroken. If I am affected this deeply just by hearing my husband tell me what has occurred I know I will be kept up for weeks filled with pure pain for these families.
And yet that is their reality.
Empty beds are in some homes now, preasents will be left unwrapped this Christmas and innocent siblings will be filled with heart ache fear and emptiness.
I cant imagine.
I type these words and feelings and can't kick the ache that keeps growing in my own heart.
What is this world coming to? Sweet little babies are now angles in heaven and mommies and daddies are left alone in homes that were filled with life and happy chaos a few days ago. I am so ashamed to be a part of this human race at this time. Honestly.
I do know the reality of this world and that things like this happen in other countries EVERY SINGLE DAY, and it always touches me with such anguish that I know better then to read news reports and watch stories on television. I know that if I do, I will identify with the feelings of dread and anger and extreme anguish.
I know so many of us feel this exact same way in our hearts.
And our minds are filled with legitimate questions.
When are these senseless acts going to stop? When can the babies of the world live being at peace? Will love ever be able to conquer the hate that is in this world we live in? Will the heartbreak that affects so many be relieved? Will my own babies live in a world that feels like it is constantly morally deteriorating?? Why do these hatred acts happen -- here and in other places in our world....? Where is God? Why? Why? Why?
Instead of seeing and reliving the horror of this senseless act by keeping up with the media coverage I have chosen to pray. I know I am just me, but I know too that my God hears and answers prayers. For this reason, I have not stopped praying for peace for these families that live with cold beds and unwrapped gifts and undescribleable heartbreak....
I know I am not the only one and so many are praying for those affected too.
We are a world that is filled with evil and hate and one that is now afraid too. We are a world that needs God.
We are such broken people living in a broken world and that combination is terrifying.
If I am feeling so heartbroken, I cant imagine what those affected are feeling. I just can't. The only thing that is helping me to not fall into a dark place of questioning and pure anger is remembering the promises of God's word.
We don't have answers, but God has spoken so many incredibly touching and encouraging thoughts through His Word.
As a person that wears their heart on their sleeve, and who is so affected by pain and fear, that is the only place where my heart can feel peace or my mind can find rest.
Tonight, as I let my tears fall and I choked back the lump in my throat I prayed allowed with my little girl. I thanked God for all of her little ways and quirks, and when I was done thanking Him for blessing me with raising this sweet little life, she whispered "And tank-you for keeping me safe."
I about choked.
Yes, God, thank you for keeping my babies safe every day. Thank you for your unfailing love and the way you are enveloping the heart broken families --- even if they aren't able to see so now. Thank you for your promise of heaven and an escape from this hurt and broken world we live in. Thank you for offering us an eternity loving on the ones we love now....in a perfect place much different from the one we find our selves in.
God bless all of the sweet babies of our broken world. And God bless the lives and families affected in Connecticut.